Change – the “C” Word

This blog is not about my hair! So Keep Reading!

In the last 30 years the most I had ever done to my hair was highlight to blend away the gray. But since the boredom of 2020 I had been thinking of a change. Yet, as excited as I might be, I also felt this sense of trepidation. What if I hated it? What if everyone else hated it? What if my hair broke off? What if…

So, last weekend I decided to bite the bullet, and this was the result:

I like it! Everyone else seems to like it. So what was the big deal? This got me thinking about the fears that come along with the dreaded “C” Word – Change. Why do we fear it so much when it can be so good for us? In this blog I hope to answer those questions.

What is change?

The word change can be either a noun or a verb. A Change (noun) is defined as the act of instance of making or becoming something different. To change (verb) is to make (someone or something) different; or to alter or modify. To change can also mean to replace something with something else, especially something of the same kind that is newer or better.

So Why do we fear change so much? Neuroscience research teaches us that uncertainty registers in our brain much like an error does. It needs to be corrected before we can feel comfortable again, so we’d rather not have that hanging out there if we can avoid it. We also fear change because we fear that we might lose what’s associated with that change.  Our aversion to loss can even cause logic to fly out the window! Tim Ferriss (author of such popular books as “The 4-Hour Work Week” and Tools of Titans) has noted that people would rather be unhappy than uncertain!!

Change is uncertain and risky even for those that embrace it. To be able to conquer your fear of change you need to understand why you are so afraid of it. Research has shown that people prefer to know something bad will happen for certain over not knowing what the outcome will be.

1. FEAR OF THE UNCERTAIN – The brain is wired to resolve unknowns. It will fill in the blank to make the uncertain, certain. Driven by the need to resolve the tension created by the unknown, your brain will default to the easiest, fastest, and least painful option. This often results in you staying in your comfort zone (ie bad job, bad relationship, etc.). Dealing with change means facing the uncertain head on! Embrace the change on step at a time and learn to accept reality as opposed to fighting back.

2.FEAR OF FAILURE – Failure is an integral part of learning. We all made mistakes growing up. Did you ever put your hand on a hot stove. Did you do it a second time? No, you learned. Oscar Wilde said, “Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.” The more afraid you are of failing, the more likely something will go wrong. Remember, to err is human. You may find it helpful to reframe your mistakes as learning experiences and ask, “what’s the lesson here?”

3.FEAR OF BEING RIDICULED – Ahh the need to be accepted and the masks we wear to accomplish acceptance. Honestly what people think and say about you behind your back or to your face should not be a deterrent to trying something new. After all this is about your personal journey. Why let those around you have that much power over your life? Freedom happens when you stop caring about what others think.

4.FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL – Calling all Type A personalities – this one is especially for you! Change often means that you are no longer in the driver’s seat. Researcher Dan Gilbert said: “We come into the world with a passion for control and we go out of the world the same way. And research suggests that, if we lose the ability to control things at any point between our entrance and our exit, we become unhappy, helpless, hopeless, and depressed.”

5. FEAR OF INADEQUACY – I have also heard this called by another name: Imposter Syndrome. It’s that voice in your head that says you are not good enough. Or worse it says “you are a fake and they are going to find out any minute…” Ok time to silence the brain weasels. I firmly advocate positive affirmations and daily meditation to deal with this particular issue. You are enough if you let yourself be enough! I would additionally recommend Brene Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection” for additional guidance on this topic.

6.FEAR OF THE EXTRA WORK – Change is hard work! So suck it up Buttercup, its a bumpy ride! Uncertainty often results in doing nothing. It’s de-motivating and down right dangerous to our goals. A little hard work never hurt anyone and if you do not do the work you will not reap the reward.

7. FEAR OF BEING HAPPY – Are you self sabotaging because you are afraid or do not think you deserve to be happy? Happiness is a state of mind, not just a consequence of the things you have or your personal experiences. Realizing that will make things easier for you when dealing with change. You can opt to resist what you don’t know, or you can enjoy the journey. Your choice.

Empathy – A weapon against the fear of Change

What is empathy? Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position. Ever heard “Put yourself in thier shoes” This is well-known plea for empathy.

It’s not easy to conquer your fear of the unknow that change will bring about, but you can minimize it to a point that it is easier to deal with.

1. Walk in other peoples shoes: This idea is more for team leadership. If your team is facing a big change, find out which of the seven fears above are plaguing them the most and deal with it first. If you are own your own and facing the uncertainty, walk in your own shoes. There is a such thing as empathizing with the self. Spend some time figuring out what is holding you back from making that change.
2. Fear: This one is for my Sci-Fi Fans. “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will Remain.” Dune (Frank Herbert) Fear can and will paralyze you from making decisions. Fear is natural, but it should not stop you from living.
3. Build on successful experiences: Reflect on the things you have achieved. Acknowledge the positive effect of past changes in your life. Look for things that were once unknown and are now familiar and you are better for it.
4. Promote Curiosity: Lead with questions. Be emotionally curious. Your fears are yours alone. You are in charge when it comes to your own internal feelings. Stop focusing on what you can’t and be curious about what you can do.
5. Start Small: Recognize the small wins that make you want more. Start a Gratitude Journal or practice during your journey and recognize your successes everyday – even if it is just getting out of bed.

Why overcome the fear of Change – the “Other Cs”

As Lao Tzu said, “If you do not change your direction, you may end up where you are going.”

I read this really great article by Scott Mautz that talks about The four Cs of Change. I want to share his wisdom as one of may reasons why it is so important to to break free of the fear of change.

1.Career – Research indicates that fear of change is one of the single most career limiting moves you can make

2.Competance – You must believe that you have the competence for change. Research shows among all those who suffer from a fear of change that about half fear they won’t be able to handle or thrive on the other side of a given change while the other half fear the process of or being prepared for change itself (and how painful it will be). This is about mindset and faith in yourself. A positive mindset is needed for successful change.

3. Case – Do you understand the why of the change you are making? This is critical. If we understand the why, we are less likely to view the change in a negative fashion and will have a better time adapting to it.

4. Core – Finally, keep in mind that, more likely than not, who you are at and those things that are important to you will not be lost at the end of the day. Why do I say, “more likely than not”? Because there are changes that we decide to make in our lives that are focused on changing these very things. There are life altering changes that can be and those are the changes that leave us feeling the most vulnerable. The best advice I can give is focus on the end result. If you want a better you, then perhaps a change will do you good.

Here are links to all of the books I mentioned in the Blog: